I have always been a guarded person when it comes
to relationships and guys. I put a guard up and keep my feelings and emotions
kept under lock and key. the few times that I have let those guards down have
back fired and blew up in my face, I ended up feeling used, broken, like a
piece of crap pretty much.
I had never really let some on in so much up
until a boy in my fall semester of my freshman year at BYU-I. I thought that he
really truly cared about me and that I meant something to him the way that he meant
something to me. After we spent a lot of time together we kissed. He was my
first kiss. I thought the whole thing was just perfect, and then it progressed
into something that was out of my control. I thought that it was all normal. I
had never been through anything like this at all. I didn't know what I was
doing or anything.
This fellow LDS member whom I was so glad to find
because I could finally like someone who had the same standards as me and would
help me keep my commitments to the Lord; Completely disrespected me, himself
and those standards I thought we both held onto so important. In the end I
found out that he was making out with other girls and I felt unbelievably used
and hurt to finally open up so much just to have my worst fear come true.
I left my first semester not knowing who I was
anymore, thinking that I was worthless, that I didn't deserve any kind of
respect, that I let someone treat me like that I lost track of it all. I
thought a Mormon boy would be so much better than that but I was wrong. I went
home and it was ok at first but then it all continued into an avalanche I
couldn't stop I lost complete faith in myself.
I started dating a non-member. He and I talked
about my standards; he even took initiative to ask me what they were and told
me that he needed to know what they were because he didn’t want to cross them.
A non-Mormon who had no reason to ask, and nothing to gain by it told me that
he would respect my values. Through this I realized finally that I don't
deserve anything less than that. If a man who didn’t make the same covenants I
and other Mormons did can make that promise just for me a Mormon boy should be
able to. He helped bring me back to who I knew I could be. He helped me find
the pieces of me I had hid so far down I didn't know they were even there
anymore. He wanted what was best for me. He honestly and truly cared for me and
just me, just simply because of me...I left and came here to ID. We don't
really talk anymore and I just miss the person I could talk to about anything,
but he was my best guy friend before anything happened. But I am grateful to
him for what he did for me. And idk what would have happened to me if he wasn’t
there for me. But I am glad to be back at school and getting back on track.
Winter was rough but it’s all starting to look up J
