2012

Well it has been quite a while! So much has changed since my last post! I started seeing Zach again this winter and that went sour pretty quick. I ended up falling for him alll over again and he broke my heart. But now I am SO SO glad that didn't work out. Zachary.... i do not know what the heck i was thinking!  I also decided that i didn't want to go back to BYU-Idaho. I didn't want to teach any more and I couldn't find another program that I was interested in. So I'm going to go to Paul Mitchell Cosmetology School in Provo Utah, and i am so excited. And i am determined to be the best one there. Its going to be a lot of work and a lot of time but I know that i can do it! Winter was hard for me because i didn't really have any friends around. I spent a lot of time at this paint your own pottery place called manic ceramic and became super good friends with Kari a girl who works there. I love here to pieces! I also hung out with Kim a lot! I started working at applebee's as a host and i loved it! i like the restaurant business! when spring came along it was wierd to not be at school but i also knew that i had made the right decision. And now my favorite part of this year so far. Summer. this summer has been the best summer of my life. everyone came home and i have gotten close to a lot of people, many of which will be in Provo with me so that is nice! I started dating this boy, Paul. he's pretty awesome. he was here selling insulation for the summer. I've never been able to be my self so much around a guy before. i am so comfortable around him and he's kind and honest and so adorable. It kinda scares me how much i care about him, I;m in a place where I can get really hurt. he went home to help his family move and with him being gone I've been thinking about what's going to happen in utah a lot and trying to figure out what i want to happen. I hate the situation we got ourselves into. But as someone in church said this last week. "If you are honestly seeking the Lords will, he will stop you if it's the wrong thing." And so far there is nothing making me stop even with the huge possibility of getting hurt. I guess its something that time will tell. I just really hope it works out. I should know a little more in a week or so when everyone is in utah and everything is sorted out. I leave in 3 days! I just hope my heart can take whatever the out come is.

Wilted Roses

So I finished my fall Semester. It didn't go so well. I have decided that I think I am going to go to beauty school. It works well with the life style I want to have eventually and with having a family. I also decided that I really want to get married. I am so tired of dating. I'm tired of putting myself out there and having it end like it always does. I want to find that person who will be my best friend. Who will love me no matter what. They won't judge me or think I am strange when I waltz around singing or just acting like a total idiot. I want that person who will love all my little quirks. Someone that I'll catch just smiling at me when he thinks I'm not watching. Someone who will kiss me good morning and before either of us leave the house. Someone who tells those that he loves that he loves them every time he hangs up the phone. Someone that is kind and respects his priesthood and is always worthy to use it. Some one that I can rely on and trust with all of my heart and I know he won't break it. Someone who is upfront and honest, he doesn't hide his feelings. Someone who wants to have a family. Someone who is willing to sacrifice and compromise. Someone who wants a forever family. Someone who will read scriptures with me every night. Someone that will snuggle with me even when our children are grown. Someone who isn't afraid to show me or the people around us that he loves me. Someone that remembers the little things. That is what I want. And maybe I just need to learn to be a little more patient but I am tired of all the frogs, I just want my prince.

Just a Little Stumming

I am buying myself a guitar. My new roommate Rachel (who is a pretty sweet) has a guitar and I have been playing it non-stop pretty much for the last few days. My calluses are coming back, and I just have to say that I am so glad that I don't have a lot of things I need to type cause my fingers hurt. Anyways I love it. I started learning more chords and new songs. I have played it for hours. Its wonderful. So once I get my financial aid i am going to go get one! Ceramics class is going great. I love all of my professors. They are all pretty chill and just work well with my learning style. Um. Life is pretty much great right now! On Monday I get to be trained in on a project at work and I am excited. Hmmm what else... I can't think of much to write about... Oh! I go my calling at church and I get to be a relief society teacher! it was one of the most humbling experiences ever, That heavenly father finds me fit to teach people about his gospel. I hope that I can do a good enough job and help those that i teach to understand and find their love for this gospel, like I have. I am excited too. Its going to be a great experience for me and I am looking forward to it and all of the things that I will learn through this.

I am greatful for the beautiful weather of fall, great friends who stand by me always, the blessings that heavenly father gives me everyday and for places that deliver food so i can be super lazy on a saturday afternoon .:)

Butterflies

Sooooo I am really bad at this blogging thing:P 

School starts up again in a week! I can’t believe how fast the time has gone! Spring and the 7 week break are over. So in the last half of spring a lot of stuff has happened!  I am kinda on academic probation. I got a job, and got a boy friend. :) . I still get butterflies every time he grabs my hand. :) He makes me smile and I just love spending time with him. He is leaving in December for his 2 year mission in Guatemala, and I am SO excited and so proud of him. He's going to a great missionary! Anyways.... I could prob talk about him for a while but I’ll make myself stop there:P

 I am so excited to start classes again! I ran out of things to do during the break. You can only do things so many times before they get super boring. ANNND I have a Ceramics class!!!! I am SO so SO so SO excited for it. I get to spend 6 hours a week at the least doing ceramics. It’s going to be so awesome. Alsoo I have a psychology class which will be totally awesome I Love psych! And some other pretty fun classes so that'll be fun! And I’ll be able to get my grades up and NOT be on academic probation any more! Ok well I am moving back to my old apt so I need to pack and start cleaning a little for white glove...since I work all day that day I have to get a head start. It doesn't smell like weed out side anymore! The last few nights it has smelt horribly much like weed out there and we've had to sleep with the windows and such closed and it has been awful!

So today I am grateful for: Fresh air, the slow re-population of Rexburg, sleep and potato’s! :)

Voltage

It is 8 am. I am suprized I am awake too! I pulled my first all nighter of spring 2011 semester! i pretty much just read my scriptures all night. Allison and I stayed up together doing homework....anddd we actually did it this time! I am so proud of us!

Today is going to be a crazy busy day. I have Book of Mormon at 11:30 and then I nedd to come home, do my drawing, beauty and creativity, and look at my science and the at 4:30 I have to go to my acedemic warning seminar thingy which will be an hour...how i'll stay awake, i have no clue. and then i have FHE tonight! which will be fun...i hope lol.and then i hope to get to bed at a decent hour tonight... i won't have problem sleeping tonight!

So a boy kissed me 2 weeks or whatever ago... I thought I liked him but I didn't... we had a really good time the first couple times we hung out.... then he kissed me and then later that night he tried to make out with me and i was "No way! aint happenin boy. and i told him it was going wayy to fast and all that jazz and he was like yeah i'm sorry i'm not usually like that and yeah a bunch of other apologetic stuff and then i said good night and then we hung out like a week later and I thought he was sooo boring and just really dry and yeah... I don't like him. And he hasn't talked to me since... so i guess it was like a hit it and quit it deal for him... but i'm glad i didn't let that one played out and called him out on it. no more repeats.

I am failing 2 classes right now and its not good.. i need to figure out how i can pass my science class but my other ones im not super worried about it'll all work out by the end of the semester!

Lindsey has a boyfriend. they're getting married. so allision and i have adopted a new song: name that movie: "i can see whats happening, and they don't have a clue. they'll fall in love. and here's the bottom line... OUR TREO'S DOWN TOO TWO!" its highly approprite.

Ummmm well i can't really think of anything else to say... oh wait! i forgot... brandon(lindsey's bf) told her that we (our treo) is a bad influence! i mean i know there are things that i can do better, and that i'm not perfect but i never thought that i was a bad enfulence...so idk. it actually hurt my fellings. i am trying to be a good person and i am doing my best. it's not our fault if barandon is slipping up. that is his own fault. i can't make him do anything. and all I have been doing is trying to help. oh well its whatever i guess. well i have to pee now.... bye!

Patches where you didn't realize there were holes

I have always been a guarded person when it comes to relationships and guys. I put a guard up and keep my feelings and emotions kept under lock and key. the few times that I have let those guards down have back fired and blew up in my face, I ended up feeling used, broken, like a piece of crap pretty much.

I had never really let some on in so much up until a boy in my fall semester of my freshman year at BYU-I. I thought that he really truly cared about me and that I meant something to him the way that he meant something to me. After we spent a lot of time together we kissed. He was my first kiss. I thought the whole thing was just perfect, and then it progressed into something that was out of my control. I thought that it was all normal. I had never been through anything like this at all. I didn't know what I was doing or anything.

This fellow LDS member whom I was so glad to find because I could finally like someone who had the same standards as me and would help me keep my commitments to the Lord; Completely disrespected me, himself and those standards I thought we both held onto so important. In the end I found out that he was making out with other girls and I felt unbelievably used and hurt to finally open up so much just to have my worst fear come true.

I left my first semester not knowing who I was anymore, thinking that I was worthless, that I didn't deserve any kind of respect, that I let someone treat me like that I lost track of it all. I thought a Mormon boy would be so much better than that but I was wrong. I went home and it was ok at first but then it all continued into an avalanche I couldn't stop I lost complete faith in myself.

I started dating a non-member. He and I talked about my standards; he even took initiative to ask me what they were and told me that he needed to know what they were because he didn’t want to cross them. A non-Mormon who had no reason to ask, and nothing to gain by it told me that he would respect my values. Through this I realized finally that I don't deserve anything less than that. If a man who didn’t make the same covenants I and other Mormons did can make that promise just for me a Mormon boy should be able to. He helped bring me back to who I knew I could be. He helped me find the pieces of me I had hid so far down I didn't know they were even there anymore. He wanted what was best for me. He honestly and truly cared for me and just me, just simply because of me...I left and came here to ID.  We don't really talk anymore and I just miss the person I could talk to about anything, but he was my best guy friend before anything happened. But I am grateful to him for what he did for me. And idk what would have happened to me if he wasn’t there for me. But I am glad to be back at school and getting back on track. Winter was rough but it’s all starting to look up J

A glimmer of sun

Ok so as previously stated i am goign to have a happy post:)) So last weekend was amazing! ( i need to catch up a little!) Thursday I went to a movie with Zach and then we sat and talked for 2 hours in Mcdonalds...lol who does that? It was awesome and most definately worth the gas i used to get up there. I hardly even noticed the time flying by and didnt get the wierd looks some people were giving us until i realized how long we were there! I love that I can just sit and talk to him for hours about anything. Its very refeshing! and I really kinda like him. and surpisigly i feel safe saying he likes me too. On valentines day he bought me flowers and chocolates ,we hung out that weekend and snuggled watching movies, but yes so thursday was a great day! friday Lindsey came to visit!!!!!!:)))) we drove up to the mall of america (MOA) and shopped all day long... i got the cutest dresses. and ran into alex weill and emily jallen prom dress shopping. most of my money was spent at Forever 21/// i am IN LOVEEEE with that place! so after the mall closed we went in search of the hotel Embassy Suites. . We went inside and were greeted by a Crap ton of...Wrestlers....i was so excited. we got up to the 7th floor of the Beautiful hotel put the key in the door and nothing... wrong hotel: there are 2 embassy suites on american blvd. lol but we found the right one and it was still soooo pretty.Most amazing hotel breakfast everrrr, sooo we decided to go to the cheesecake factory. i love that place! thier ranch dressing is theee besttt..so is the cheesecake but the ranch...yummm. then we went on adventure to find an address in bloomington, idk how we found it but we did. even if it was the wrong thing it was the right address and then i peed in a church parking lot. and it was awesome. then the next morning we went and rode rides at MOA and i left... only to forget where i parked my car and wandered around for 20 min on the wrong floor of the parking garage before i realzed i was on indiana not georgia! then took 10 min to find it on the Georgia level... I am challenged, i know! oh but it was such a good weekend!!! but i am so tired right now so i'm going to bed... Zach and i are hanging out tomorrow so i gotta get my beauty rest! :)) Night World. today i am grateful for Music, My sister Allie, BBL, My Car, my job even though i hate it, Caitlin Solhied and food!